Must go slowly, or i'll lose the meaning. Breath.
This entry which i am about to present before you, is a little different then what i have being doing lately. This entry will not inspire, not make you think, this entry is to give you a little insight about what personal issues that have been on my mind, thoughts of life that are constant, what i am doing right now.
I am sitting in my basement, headphones on, touque on, a bowl of frozen rasberries right next to my glass of cream sherry which i had dropped in 1 piece of ice and 3 frozen berries. I have the wrist band on, not because i need it, but for the pure reason that i like it. The lights are dimmed. I have no one to impress here, What I do now i do it for me and only me. Here I am true.
I had a conversation with a friends little cousin breifly at a mall, and she told me about her love life. She's torn between her boyfriend, and someone new. This is of no real relivence, but it sets the stage for what was said next, which brings me to the point that i wish to make here tonight. (The frozen rasberries are a nice touch) She told me she got butterflies when she was around the new guy. This is the statement that got me thinking. I thought about this one subject for along time, along time ago, and her statement sent all thoughts to come rushing back.
I'm getting a little older. I know i'm not old yet, i mean i'm only 20, but i feel old for me. I still remember highschool like it was yesterday, i still remember the butterflies like they were yesterday.
I remember the moment leading up to a first kiss, or a second kiss, or the 300th kiss, the nervousness, the newness, the excitment. It used to feel like my entire body were about to cave in on it'self. Like all the oxygen was sucked out of my body, creating constant pressure, which created the sensation i call butterflies. Most people refer to butterflies when there is a little tickle in there stomach. The feeling you get from going too high on a swing, or the moement before the drop of doom actually drops. My "butterflies" are a little different then that, so i guess i'll create a new name to best desribe this sensation. Falling up. Spur of the moment name, but it makes sense to me.
I don't get that feeling anymore, and i wish to God i did. For some reason it is one of the purest most intoxicating feelings i have ever experienced. I've dated, i've kissed, but it has been ages since i felt that with a girl. I wonder why it stopped. Was it because i was insecure of how i would do in a romantic situation, and now since i am no longer insecure about it, it stopped? Is it because i am not dating or picking girls which will make me feel that way again? Or what?
I got that feeling for 10 seconds outside of lush yesterday. I don't know how or why, but it happened, and i reveled in every second of it's return. Was it because of the girl i was with? Was it because i was feeling a little insecure? Did we hit a big bump while we were driving and i just didn't notice? Or was it my ulcer? I wish i knew, but next Lush, i'm going to test it out, i'm going to hold a little experiment to find out exactly what it is. I love that feeling so much, that i worte this entry purely to speak of it.
Now that i am done boring you, i will write another entry....here i go...
11:06 p.m. - 2002-08-22
Recent entries:
An Athiests Prayer - 2010-11-22
An apple on a tree - 2010-11-07
At work and bored. - 2010-02-08
Faces - 2009-10-17
Time for a rebirth - 2009-10-16
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