I walk around every day and i see hundreds of people, but nobody see's me. I like to tell myself that sometimes, with people i am close with, that i am actually true to them. But i know that that is a lie. I have a thousand and one masks instead, that i slip on depending on who i'm with. I'd like to get a little deeper into this and teel you what masks are for who.
With family, i wear the mask of a child, still unable to think and speak for himself. I wear a mask of iggnorance and blindness to the realities that my parents are so aware. They do not see my heart, for they are to blind to see that part.
With Rev I wear a mask of understanding and compasion, and hide the realities that he himself are blind to. I wear the mask of a friend that tries to support him in all of his actions, but behind the mask I am crying tears which are saturated with disgust and disappointment. He will not see my heart, for it's deep down inside of me and he is too blind to see that part.
With Honey i wear a mask of indefferance. My apathy to her certain sxituation has worn my mask thin, and i am thinking of putting a new one on of harsh truth and bluntness. She will never be able to see my heart, for it's deep down inside of me and shes too blind to see that part.
With dras i wear a mask of understanding, this mask is very superficial. I am blind to the realitites that he doesn't know that I am aware of, and i keep it this way. My mask has no mouth piece, and because of this i cannot express my disapointment and frustration with him. He is also to blind to see the true me, he is too blind to see my heart, for it's deep down inside of me and he is too blind to see that part.
With caraudio (freeze) i wear a mask of true friendship even though it is myself who chooses this. His friendship to me is genuine, and mine to him as well, but i still falter and he does not know this. If he knew what was on my mind, if my mask were to fail, he would no longer call me a friend. For this i grieve and for this i am truely sorry. He will never see the true me, he'll never see my heart, because it's deep down inside of me and cause i have hidden it from his smarts.
With the passer bys, that come in and out of my life, i wear a mask of acceptance, of innocence, when in all actually i am judging there ever move. This is my folly and my problem which i have chosen. They will never see my face.
I am wondering if all these masks are neccesary. If i remove them i may alinate all who call me friend, but i am etting tired of putting on the mask of understanding, when in all actuality, i rarely know what the fuck these people are thinking.
I feel that i should hide this entry on my other site, but i feel that if i am to be true to myself, i must be true to those around me.
With myself, i wear a mask of shame, i wear a mask of apathy, i wear a mask of blunt reality, i wear a mask of faith. I'll never see the true me, i'll never find my heart, because it is deep down inside of me and i'm to blind to see that part.
9:51 a.m. - 2002-09-26
Recent entries:
An Athiests Prayer - 2010-11-22
An apple on a tree - 2010-11-07
At work and bored. - 2010-02-08
Faces - 2009-10-17
Time for a rebirth - 2009-10-16
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