I feel my mind crack, and in the fissures, I see the bottomless arrogance of my presuppositions. It is profoundly true that I am just a human being, and, most of the time, I have the impression of understanding everything, whereas here I find myself in a more powerful reality that I do not understand at all, and that in my arrogance, I did not even suspect existed.
I feel like crying in view of the enormity of these revelations. Then it dawns on me that this self-pity is a part of my arrogance. I feel so ashamed that I no longer dare feel ashamed.
I've never felt so completly humble then at this point of brilliant revelation.
I cannot feel ashamed for what I have done, and I cannot let others make me feel ashamed for what I do. For being ashamed or having self-pity is to a degree a catalyst to my arrogance.
We shall both err for we are human, and in this reality, even though doing wrong is to a degree taboo, it is also very neccesary in terms of growth.
Even though we both have problems, it is rational to accept them individualy, and to better ourselves individually before looking down on each others faults.
I believe this is were we both made our mistake, and i intend to fix it. I can not fix the situation or what has been said, but what I can do is not judge or look down on you for anything that you have done or do. By doing this I hope you see the logic behind my decision, and treat myself in the way I intend to treat you.
I will wave and give you a hug when I see you, because through the entire length of our path, no obstical has destroyed what we had. This is yet another obsitcal that we shall over-come, if we choose to.
What I do ask is for time. Time to think and meditate and question all that I have not questioned before. Not for my own benifit but for you as well, because i wouldn't be a true friend if I didn't at least take the time to evaluate what has been said and where I did stumble. I also hope you do the same. If you do not think that you were or are in the wrong as i believe myself to be, then all I have said is useless.
I guess in the end all I am looking for is an apology. I was made to feel ashamed by you, and also small and insignificant. I apologize for what I said as well, there was no need for me to fight fire with fire when a little water or a cool level head would have stoped our friendship from burning.
Take what you will from what I have said, in hopes that one day in the not to distant future, no resentment or anger shall arise when we do meet again.
The level of our friendship may change. We may grow from this or we may lose parts of it that we have gained, however, I do not intend to lose it entirely.
2:03 p.m. - 2004-05-05
Recent entries:
An Athiests Prayer - 2010-11-22
An apple on a tree - 2010-11-07
At work and bored. - 2010-02-08
Faces - 2009-10-17
Time for a rebirth - 2009-10-16
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