I am torn. I�ve made connections with two, and it�s difficult for me to define either in a language I understand. It�s all pretty metaphysical, not being able to step foot in the same river twice. I have D�j� Vu but know that I have never been here before. I love this life of mine. I live for new experiences and feelings, and through this past summer I have an abundance of both.
I am having to question or at least re-evaluate my preconceptions of relationships (there is no greater hurt than that of failed expectations). So with ego, I wash away my sins of expectations into this river in which I have never stood before. I am attempting to wash myself clean, though the stains of time and experience still linger, I must scrub harder. Erase these set indoctrinations, it�s the only way in which I will truly grow.
One lives far away, has set my picture to her phone display, and when she sees me she smiles so big I cannot force myself to do the opposite. She hasn�t said it, but I know it, and feel it every time she looks at me. I like her, but haven�t had the time to fall for her. I�ve stated this as well, that I cannot become involved with someone overseas, and even though she states that this is her last year abroad, I can�t make any promises. I must do this for myself, I will not fall into the same trap twice. I am proud of the boundaries I have set and the foresight used. I know that I will take this one day by day, this is the non-complicated one.
The other, I have fallen for. I know this because she does not fit into any box that I have previously set for myself in regards to attraction. She is different, in all ways, and I am completely and utterly drawn to her. She likes me, our time together is fantasy, and our kisses are meaningful. I asked her what I was to her, and her response was one I didn�t expect. Basically she is a free bird, and does not want to be confined by the shackles of any type of relationship currently. I have asked her some questions which she is responding to, and I am to take this weekend to figure out what I need. I told her I was going to create boundaries as to not fall further for her, but is this the right course of action? We fell asleep together last night and I enjoyed every waking moment. I need to figure out what my heart can and cannot take. This is also determined by these preconceived notions of how things �should� go. Her answers to my questions will pull me one way or the other. I have enjoyed our talks and how I am being pushed by her.
The summer is winding down. The nights are cooling, the sun is now in my eyes when I drive to work, things are becoming more still. It�s like the vibration of atoms when the heat up or cool down. Heated, they move quickly and it becomes chaotic. When they cool, they get closer and slow the fuck down. Things are slowing down.
What a relief!
3:01 p.m. - 2014-08-29
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